I love you. Few words in the English language could elicit as powerful a response as these. Yet, for some reason, they are strangely absent from much of church life.
I’ve been reflecting on this, as there is a trend that has taken root in our church to affirm that we love each other through this simple phrase. I cannot speak to the experience of the women in our church, but amongst many of our guys, we have been making a point of letting each other know that we love each other.
When I stopped to reflect on this habit, it struck me as profound, precious and, in many ways, profoundly counter-cultural. It’s well known that many men struggle to form deep friendships (as do many women). So, to find myself in a community where our mutual affection for one another is pronounced with words (and actions) is worth reflection.
Ample words have been shared by those much more eloquent than myself on the power of phileo, brotherly love. Yet, even though we as Christians know a lot about the nature of love as evidenced on the cross, I am grieved that so few of us experience it from one another.
How could we think about cultivating this kind of love?
Love, like all love, is a sacrificial choice:
This love we have for one another is rooted in the fact that we have chosen to love one another. Every member of our church, especially those who are close, has made an intentional and sacrificial decision to be present in our community. Because our church has a high missional calling that is specific to university campuses, it requires a great deal of intentionality to even be present. For many people, it is the invitation to walk in these relationships of love that causes them to make the commitment to the mission.
All big missions are fueled by deep relationships.
The fact that everyone has chosen to be here, in part because of the sacrifice involved, means that our bonds of friendship are that much deeper. It is counterintuitive that mutual sacrifice in ministry would be the means to foster deeper relationships, but that is exactly our experience. It is also, incidentally, I think, the experience of the Apostle Paul. Give 2 Timothy another read to see what I mean.
It’s a choice to persevere:
The choice for friendship requires perseverance. Many of these brothers from whom I hear “I love you,” or with whom I share “I love you,” did not start as those with whom I had a natural affinity. In almost every case in our church, they are more than a decade my junior! However, as I have chosen them, and they me, we have formed deep friendships.
That is not to say that the friendship is now easy. Sometimes my responsibilities, life stage and particular burdens threaten to drive a wedge between those friends and me. However, I cannot and must not let that be the case. I must choose these friendships over and over again. That is what makes them beautiful.
To quote Pete Greig, “There is no place in the Christian community for the serial monogamy mentality where each new friendship comes with a shelf life.”
Covenant relationships are the basis:
This is perhaps the most important. The contractual mode of church has profoundly impacted and compromised our essential calling. We are called to be brothers and sisters in Christ who demonstrate our allegiance to one another through the way we love each other.
However, much of church life is dominated by employment contracts, boards, committees, congregational votes and other concepts foreign to the Scriptures.
That is not to say that these things serve no purpose whatsoever, but we must remember who and what we are called to be: a family that loves each other through thick and thin. That which belongs to the domain of contract can never be used to usurp the call to covenant love.
I hope that we can champion this way of love more clearly, practically and diligently. It’s part of why church planting is so beautiful: church planting together with brothers and sisters is the perfect context to cultivate these kinds of missionally loving relationships.